The other day, someone asked me how old I was when I moved out of my parents house and I told them I was fourteen and they looked at me like I was crazy. When you’re fourteen you still need your mom to listen to you cry after you kiss a boy and he goes behind your back and kisses your best friend three nights later and you still need your dad to pick you up from school and give you money that you’re probably going to lose. But when I was fourteen I stopped talking to the girl I had been friends with since second grade. I never went downstairs when my mom called for dinner. I would lay on the floor for hours trying to feel something. I kissed four boys in one night because I wanted to know what love felt like but apparently it just felt like slimy tongues and sweaty hands grabbing at you. I handed in six homework assignments that year and my teachers called my parents in for a meeting but no one could get me to get the fuck out of bed and focus. I spent a few months tearing into my veins until I went too deep one night and found myself covered in blood and something else, probably the last bit of happiness I had left. When I was fourteen I think I disappeared. I lost myself one night trying to sneak out the window to buy drugs from the boy next door and I never really came home. I was fourteen when I moved out.
1. I want to melt into your blood and live in your veins. I think if you cut them open, stars would spill out.
2. I think your laugh is the only thing keeping me alive.
3. Your voice gets stuck in my head. It plays on a constant loop in my mind. I smile every time you open your mouth.
4. I want to wrap myself around you until neither of us can breathe.
5. I think that when you were little you would stare at the sun and it’s light burned into your eyes because they’re so fucking bright I feel my skin get hot when you look at me.
6. If someone asked me to define poetry I would show them a picture of you.
7. I want to run away with you. Let’s get on a train and leave. There’s nothing left here. You’re all I need.
8. There are flowers growing up your arms and stars in your fingertips. The sky is in your teeth and the ocean is in your ribcage. You think you’re nothing but you’ve got the entire world inside you.
9. I have this reoccurring nightmare where I’m falling and falling and I wake up screaming. I hate it but god I wouldn’t mind falling into you.
10. You taste like the galaxy.
11. Sometimes my heart hurts so much that I tear myself apart trying to rip it out of my chest. You are the only one who knows how to put me back together when it’s all over.
12. I miss you even when you’re here.
13. I see you in everything, everywhere I go. I can’t get away from you. I love it.
14. You’re like a drug. Your smile gets me dizzy. I black out when you touch me. I’m so addicted to you.
15. You know which lines of my favorite book make me cry and that I talk in my sleep. You know that I bite my lip when I’m nervous and laugh a lot when I’m scared. You know about the scars on my right hip and the cigarettes hidden in the back of my closet. You know how many freckles I have on my cheeks and how many packets of sugar I pour into my coffee. I hope you know how much I love you.